Boring Husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Bored Wife: "Because I married the wrong man!" 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 

A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey," and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thought this sort of speech is a good idea. The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig." 

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all nite thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. 

Marriage life is very frustrating.
In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. 

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. 

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He replied, "Pack'em all, your're leaving!